I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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