A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
