just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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