Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
