He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oh god it's open bar.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
