How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
