i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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