matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
