I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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