Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
