Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
