i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
