Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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