dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
