Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
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The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
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My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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