You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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