Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
