im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
