Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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