you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
