I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
