someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
