I just cut my nipple shaving
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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