So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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