you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
