I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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