she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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