My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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