Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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