I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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