The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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