Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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