I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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