you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
