I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
