best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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