Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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