Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i think i just lost a toe
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
