I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
