I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
