i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
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I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
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A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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