she was so not down for the gang bang
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
