One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
