You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
