The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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