I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
