I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
