Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
