It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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