you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
