I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
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Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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