My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
